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What Is Your Style Of Loving?
A loving style is a way in which one portrays oneself based on a set of beliefs developed over time. Their actions correspond to their style of loving and often without conscious understanding. John Lee (1974) proposed a theory that described six different styles of loving that characterize intimate relationships. My take on these loving styles are: romantic, playful, possessive, compassionate, altruistic, and pragmatic. The following article explains each style and how people with those styles tend to act.
1) People with a Romantic love style (Eros) often place their emphasis on physical beauty while searching for the ideal partner. Romantic and erotic lovers delight in the visual beauty and tactile and sensual pleasures of their lover’s body, and are often very affectionate and openly communicative with their partners.
2) People with Love style of play (Ludus) likes to play the field and acquire many sexual “conquests” with little or no commitment. Love is for fun, the act of seduction is for enjoyment and relationships should be casual.
3) People with a Possessive love style (Mania) tend to seek obsessive love relationships that are often characterized by turmoil and jealousy. These people live on a rollercoaster of love in which every show of affection from the lover brings ecstasy and the slightest form of rejection produces painful agitation.
4) People with a Companion love style (Storge) (STOR-gay) are slow to develop affection and commitment, but tend to experience relationships that last. This style is love without fervor or turmoil, a peaceful and quiet type of relationship that usually begins as friendship and develops over time into affection and love.
5) People with a Altruistic love style (Agape) are characterized by selflessness and a compassionate desire to give to another without expectation or reciprocity. Such love is patient and never demanding or jealous.
6) People with a Pragmatic love style (Pragma) tend to select lovers based on rational and practical criteria (such as shared interests) that can lead to mutual satisfaction. These individuals approach love in a business like fashion, trying to get the best “romantic deal” by seeking partners with social, educational, religious, and interest patterns compatible with their own.
So what happens when two people in a relationship have very different loving styles? According to Lee, he suggests that relationships do not thrive over time because “too many people are speaking different languages when they talk about love” (Lee 1974, p. 44). Even if two people in a relationship say they want the same thing, their hard work is often thrown to the wolves when they try to merge incompatible love styles. Rather, satisfaction and successful love relationships depend on the ability to find a partner who “shares the same approach to loving and the same definition of love” (Lee 1974 p. 44). This is not to say that opposites do not attract, however artificial it may seem, and that over time, two people can change their love style to adopt parts of each other. However, this endeavor requires a great deal of commitment to each other to stand the test of time that creates a positive outcome.
My recommendation: don’t jump to conclusions about the person you’re with or know. It takes time for love styles to become apparent as other factors can interfere. For example, a woman who has a game-loving style during college may find her style altered when she meets someone who has an altruistic love style and feels empowered enough over time that playing the field no longer seems desirable. . Couple this with the desire for a stable job and family, and then altruism can seem much more appreciated. Again, this is just an example. My point is that love is a constantly changing and developing feeling that is affected by our constant interactions with each other and by the influences of the outside world. With that in mind, you never know when that love of a lifetime will appear, and it could be the one you’re with, you just have to pay attention, see the signs, and be willing to accept whether or not they’re right for you.
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